tired of my life

I kept visiting my diary these few days. I dunno why. Is it because I'm feeling empty? Is it because exam are over that Í have more time to think? The more I think the more sad I become. Is it because of the friends around me are sad so I got affected as well? I dunno. I'm always cheerful, always have positive thoughts. Because what I have been through I have deserve it. My fate had changed since when I was 4yrs old in the hands of my parents. I thanked them for bringing me these through all these yrs. I know it is hard to come through these few yrs, but we had survived. I'm glad. But there is more obstacles to come. I'm scare. The big one is coming as well. I'm scared, I'm thinking day and night. What if we can't go through these? I dunno if they still have the energy, I dunno if their health...I really hope everything will be fine.

I tried to think positively. I wonder the one I protray in front of my friends is it the real me? I dunno. I think I'm thinking too much. Am I?

Just finished the book titled,"Morning, Noon & Night"by Sidney Sheldon. It was a interesting book I would say. But I like the very 1st book that I read by Sidney Sheldon that is "The Doomsday Conspiracy." I think it is because Morning, Noon & Night is more of a reality so I don't like it. Maybe it is because I don't want to face the reality. I don't want to face it and I hate to face it. Life is so complicated sometimes. This story is about a guy named Taylor who is a judge. An intelligent and has a bright future but the sad thing is he is a gay. And the next sad thing is that he falls in love with another guy named Lee. He was deeply madly in love with Lee. All Lee wanted was money. If he had money, he loves Taylor. So Taylor planned to kill his father who was a billionaire so that he can inherit the money. All in all as the truth was going to reveal itself or more people came in the way to stop him, he killed them, not directly of course. He used someone else to do them. But in the end, his father was not a billionaire after all because he used illegel money to buy the shares which are losing money and he was in dept. Thus, in conclusion, he is in dept. No money for his children. This was a breakdown for Taylor of course, firstly the father incident and secondly, the truth has reveal itself about he is the mastermind of everything. He commit susidue in the end...

I wonder is money the root of all evil? I guess it is. Why people rob a bank? Because they needed money. Why people steal, lie, murder? Because they needed money. Why do we need money for? For survival. Don't you think money has become so important that it has become part of our life. Part of our life has been sacrified because of money. What do I say this? People worked hard day and night, what is this for? For money, for survive. Don't you think humans have a terrible life? I agree with a chinese saying, " Money is not everything, but without money, there is nothing."

Money is not everything but with money we can do something. What we can do? To buy things that we desire. To buy presents for love ones so as to brighten up their day or to show that we care and remember about them. To live a comfortable life. To help people.

Life has become more and more complex when you grow older? You have to bear more reponsibilties, you started to understand other people's feelings and why do they react in certain way. You know how to react to certain situation because you have been trained to do that, shall I call that a reflex reaction? You started to hide your true self and protray a different person from yourself. Why? To protect yourself from being hurt, for self-defense sake I guess. You started to think more deeply than before. You started to become greedy. You started to show cold. You want to get what you want, you will do anything to get. You show less and less concern to the people around you. They are affected by you. By then, do you regret what you have done? Can all the harms you did to your love ones be cure? What's done can't be undone. What you say or done to them, already left a scar, how could they forget. Maybe can forgive but forget? I dunno... Maybe can if try a little harder...

I can't bring myself to telling the truth. The truth will be revealled one day. But if it doesn't come out of my mouth, will you be sad? I'm sorry if you already know the truth or the truth is not from me because I can't bring myself in telling the truth to you.

I really tired. How I wish... But life has to go on... I dun want to disappoint my parents and to those people who have high hopes for me. I can't afford to see their disappointed face. I can't bring myself to hurt them. Because I love them. What we have been through is just the beginning, there is more to come. I know the good days will be coming soon. Can you wait for a few years more?

From me to my love ones. Thank you so much. =)